Thursday, June 9, 2011
This is a post about me and my feelings regarding the death of my Dad so you may not be interested.
When I was looking for a picture to describe how I feel I first put in devastation into the google image search. That one is hard to pick and find a fit because it's mostly peoples homes and weather devastation pictures that appear. The other word to describe how I feel lately is uncomfortable. I felt this picture fit. Mainly because while the kitteh looks uncomfortable apparently he/she is comfortable enough to sleep. Me though, I on the outside look ok, while mentally I am uncomfortable, devastated, and struggling.
Devastated from my Dads passing. He's gone. No more interactions, fun times, asking about the weather, my car, the livestock - my pets, questions, advice, etc. Gone. Not only is it difficult for me but for my Mom. They were married 43 years. I'm an only child. I have no grandparents left and half of my Moms family is gone or lives in FL. Dads family is scattered. That means no close family around. Just Mom and I. Dad was the center and he's gone.
I feel awful. No amount of crying helps. For a while I cried every day. Then I stopped. Time helps I guess but not in some ways. My mantra for the 1st month after his passing was, "I can't believe he's gone." Now my mantra is "oh my God he's gone." I am unable yet to look at the things to be grateful for, that he died quickly, that I have no regrets with my relationship with him, that he didn't suffer. There is no "bright side." For now he's gone.
Gone is that person but their things remain. I always thought of my parents house as "their" house. Now I realize it was mostly my Dads stuff. He was the youngest of 4 boys so he got a lot of hand me downs. I think when he became an adult he decided no more hand me downs. He collected things. LOTS of things all practical. Rope, knives, hunting knives, tools, gloves, etc. He had extra of everything. He had a pair or two of gloves in his truck, in the basement, in the garage, and in the toolbox. What the heck do we do with all of these gloves? He's given me a few pairs over the years already! Nail clippers, tools. ALL of this organized to the point that you had no idea he had multiples of this stuff. He has a jar of marbles in the garage? What for? To me the fact that he had all of this stuff including the marbles - there is a joke in there somewhere - was funny but at the end of it all you are faced with decisions. What do we do with this stuff? Some of we have given to family and friend. Some of we are not selling due to sentimental value. The rest, we have no idea, yard sale, auction, ebay?. My Mom told me the other day she found 5 more pair of boots under the stairs. I joked that maybe his items were multiplying on their own?
I never realized how much of an impact my Dad had not only on me but others. The total loss is devastating. Everything reminds me of him. I want everything "fixed." For me and my Mom to go back to "normal" but there is not a normal like it was. This feeling is just unshakeable.
I think this is why I tend right now to not interact with anyone. This feeling of dread and uncomfortableness consumes me. I am struggling to get by in my own life. I can't even give support to anyone else right now. I feel bad for that but I just want to be alone. I also don't want to honestly answer the dreaded question "how are you doing?" I guess in a way I want it because I want to talk to feel better but no amount of talking helps. So instead I avoid the dreaded question and people in general. I'm told this is a phase and it will get better. I wish I didn't feel this way.
I am not sure what my point is here. Just to get some thoughts out and feelings out on "paper."