Thursday, June 9, 2011

Uncomefortable



This is a post about me and my feelings regarding the death of my Dad so you may not be interested.

When I was looking for a picture to describe how I feel I first put in devastation into the google image search. That one is hard to pick and find a fit because it's mostly peoples homes and weather devastation pictures that appear. The other word to describe how I feel lately is uncomfortable. I felt this picture fit. Mainly because while the kitteh looks uncomfortable apparently he/she is comfortable enough to sleep. Me though, I on the outside look ok, while mentally I am uncomfortable, devastated, and struggling.

Devastated from my Dads passing. He's gone. No more interactions, fun times, asking about the weather, my car, the livestock - my pets, questions, advice, etc. Gone. Not only is it difficult for me but for my Mom. They were married 43 years. I'm an only child. I have no grandparents left and half of my Moms family is gone or lives in FL. Dads family is scattered. That means no close family around. Just Mom and I. Dad was the center and he's gone.

I feel awful. No amount of crying helps. For a while I cried every day. Then I stopped. Time helps I guess but not in some ways. My mantra for the 1st month after his passing was, "I can't believe he's gone." Now my mantra is "oh my God he's gone." I am unable yet to look at the things to be grateful for, that he died quickly, that I have no regrets with my relationship with him, that he didn't suffer. There is no "bright side." For now he's gone.

Gone is that person but their things remain. I always thought of my parents house as "their" house. Now I realize it was mostly my Dads stuff. He was the youngest of 4 boys so he got a lot of hand me downs. I think when he became an adult he decided no more hand me downs. He collected things. LOTS of things all practical. Rope, knives, hunting knives, tools, gloves, etc. He had extra of everything. He had a pair or two of gloves in his truck, in the basement, in the garage, and in the toolbox. What the heck do we do with all of these gloves? He's given me a few pairs over the years already! Nail clippers, tools. ALL of this organized to the point that you had no idea he had multiples of this stuff. He has a jar of marbles in the garage? What for? To me the fact that he had all of this stuff including the marbles - there is a joke in there somewhere - was funny but at the end of it all you are faced with decisions. What do we do with this stuff? Some of we have given to family and friend. Some of we are not selling due to sentimental value. The rest, we have no idea, yard sale, auction, ebay?. My Mom told me the other day she found 5 more pair of boots under the stairs. I joked that maybe his items were multiplying on their own?

I never realized how much of an impact my Dad had not only on me but others. The total loss is devastating. Everything reminds me of him. I want everything "fixed." For me and my Mom to go back to "normal" but there is not a normal like it was. This feeling is just unshakeable.

I think this is why I tend right now to not interact with anyone. This feeling of dread and uncomfortableness consumes me. I am struggling to get by in my own life. I can't even give support to anyone else right now. I feel bad for that but I just want to be alone. I also don't want to honestly answer the dreaded question "how are you doing?" I guess in a way I want it because I want to talk to feel better but no amount of talking helps. So instead I avoid the dreaded question and people in general. I'm told this is a phase and it will get better. I wish I didn't feel this way.

I am not sure what my point is here. Just to get some thoughts out and feelings out on "paper."

9 comments:

  1. Stacy - we are here for you. We think it is good for you to get at least get things out on "paper" if you don't feel comfortable talking to anyone in person!!

    Pugs & Kisses,

    Yoda, Brutus & Ellie (& Cindy too!)

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  2. I haven't lost a parent yet so I can't even imagine the depth of your grief. But I do know that in our fast paced world, you aren't really allowed to grieve at your own speed. Ignore any pressure to move any faster than you need to.
    Your heart will heal. It won't be the same and you'll have a permanent scar, but it will heal. I wish you the best.

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  3. Hi, Stacy. Just wanted you to know I'm here and listening.

    Hugs -

    Sarah

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  4. I think it's good to write down your thoughts. It's all part of the healing process and you will eventually heal. Momma tells me that you will one day be able to be grateful for the things you mentioned and that you will see the bright side but that it all takes time. So take your time and do what you need to do, even if it means doing nothing at all.

    Momma read me this today: "You can never really lose someone close, as the good things that came out of the relationship will always stay with you." She said this is what she needs to keep reminding herself of when she thinks about Stubby. His loss is still so close to the surface and thinking of him still brings her to tears. Remembering the good things and believing that he is always with her gets her through each day. Plus I am here to ease her pain. I am here for you, too, whenever you need me.

    Tiffy

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  5. Hi Stacy!

    We're always here too (day late and a dollar short, but here nonetheless!)!

    All we can offer you is a big hug and our ears and the wish that your pain shrinks each day, and replaced by more smiles thinking about the great life your dad had with you and your mom.

    Love,
    Laura

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  6. It sounds like your feelings and reactions are consistent with the five stages -

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

    Don't fight them - and yes, writing helps - crying helps - swearing helps -

    No one can ever know and/or feel another's pain but sharing can help all of us at one point

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  7. Hi Stacy,
    Sending love and hugs from all of us. We really hope you are feeling better soon, but in the meantime we are here for you too.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hope you're having a great week! My name is Harrison and I work with SnagFilms.com. We are an online library of over 2100 films, free for audiences to stream. I just wanted to let you know that a film that you may have high interest in, "A Pug's Life", is now available for free streaming via this link: http://www.snagfilms.com/films/title/a_pugs_life/

    Please consider spreading the word about this film either on or through your website. Please feel free to also email me back with questions, and would also like to know if you decide to use it so we can send it out through our network for cross promotion!

    Thank you for your time,
    Harrison

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi
    I am Tweedles
    You do not know me.
    I saw your blog on Wilma's side bar,,, and the words uncomefortable drew me to you .
    I read your words,, and I want you to know that I understand what you are saying.
    Your words explain it all.
    I want to say that I care about you
    love
    tweedles

    ReplyDelete

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